Rejection

What follows relates to the verbal ask for a dance and it’s rejection. This thought does not talk about the rejection from a failed cabeceo or mirada. Further it should be noted that its not by any stretch of the imagination, the definitive guide. YMMV. 

Let’s lay out some facts before we get to the heart of this stuff.

Fact: The ask, no matter how ‘sly’ you think you’re being, is going to be awkward.

Fact: In a lot of ways asking for a dance is lot like asking someone out for a date. The only difference is that this date lasts about 12 minutes (at most, thankfully).

Fact: If you don’t ask, you’ll never dance, or so you think.

Fact: It’s always someone else’s choice. Always.

Fact: You’re going to arrive at the Milonga with the skills that you have. They’re not going to magically improve in the next 10 minutes before you ask X for a dance. It’s not going to happen.

Fact: There will always be better dancers than you are. Always. Deal with it. Which is to say if you have insecurities about what you’re doing, join the club. We all do! Get over it.

Fact: You’re going to feel a sense of intimidation, it’s always going to be there, forever. Some people will intimidate you, and some people won’t. It’s not them that’s doing the intimidation, it’s you, and your issues of insecurity that’s projecting that intimidation. 

Fact: You’re always going to have to prove yourself. Always. Regardless of how long you’ve been dancing.

And lastly….

Fact: The fact is that the verbal ask in Tango is a major no-no and will not get you what you want. There are 2 instances under which we can ask someone verbally for a dance: 1.) We already have foreknowledge of the person we’re asking. Meaning that we have a danced with this person before, several times. 🙂 2.) We have been introduced to that person at that moment in time. So a verbal ask is acceptable at the time of introduction. Later on….not so much with that.

Those are the facts.

Now, to the heart of the matter.

You have an itch to dance with X.

X does not seem busy right at this moment in time.

You go to ask them for a dance, and you realize as a passing thought that they can only say “no”, right ?

Well the fact is that they have an agenda right now and if they’re not looking at you, more than likely they’ve seen you, they know you exist, and you haven’t popped up on their radar yet. It’s that simple.

So let’s assume that for whatever reason they say “no” to your request. There are a two things you have to do immediately.

1.) Smile and say “thank you”, and then here’s the hard part…

2.) Leave. Quickly.

Yes you feel rejected.

Yes, there’s an ouch going on.

Yes, your ego just took a hit.

And yes this stuff matters.

And you know what else ? There will be other people that say “yes”, and there will be people that say “no”. That’s just the nature of this thing we call “Tango”. And there’s quite literally no reason to lose your shit over this stuff. Well ok, maybe one reason, but for the most part, not so much with having a hissy over someone saying “no” to you. Deal with it dude!

Reality Check. The reality is the person that you’re asking for a dance has their own psychosis going on. They’re just a little focused on getting the dance of their night with their own version of X, and that is clearly not you right at this moment. Truthfully the entire room is doing exactly the same thing. They’re all looking at X for a tanda. And mind you X is a rotating target! Every 9 minutes a new X pops on the radar screen and there we all are, all trying to get the attention of X so that we can have a moment of Tango Nirvana with X. Mind you, never mind mind that Tango Nirvana is a fantasy that you made up in your head, we don’t pay attention to that factoid. 

Right now, you and your issues are not part of what they’ve got going on. There are many reasons why they said “no” right now, and you know what ? Whatever that reason is, it does not matter. Honestly, don’t spend a whole lot of your time on this, not immediately. You can not ascribe some projection of why X doesn’t want to dance with you, it’s their choice and they have their reasons. Their feet hurt, they need a breather, they’ve just been squeezed to death, you reek, you’ve got bad breath and no one has told you, you’re sweating like a hog and don’t realize it, they want to sit this one out, they don’t like milonga (!!!), they don’t like….whatever. Quite honestly it really doesn’t matter. The only thing that does matter is that you take your broken ego elsewhere and go find someone else to dance with, immediately. 

To be clear about something, we do actually want to analyze this rejection, if and only if it keeps happening. If it keeps happening then there is a certain reason why X is saying “no” to you and you may want to ask them why at a practica at some point (assuming you really want to hear their issues). But asking them why they said “no” or pressuring them to dance with you is not the right move right at this moment. The only thing you need to do right at this moment of rejection, is get out of their space and line of sight.

One More Thing: yes this stuff matters because it’s a validation of your abilities as a dancer. The vision you have in your head of what you look like and feel like as a dancer is validated through the people that you dance with. If they all say “yes” then you must be doing well. Right ? Wrong. Sometimes some people say “yes” to you because of your personality, not because of your abilities. Sometimes there is a certain amount of social obligation going on which no one likes to talk about. Sometimes someone would rather  dance than sit and you happen to be the nearest available warm body with a heart beat and a functioning pair of legs. Sometimes it’s because you’re a visiting dancer from out of town. Sometimes you’re in the company of A, B, and C and it would be rude not to dance with you. Those are just some of the instances of “yes”. While you may believe that you’re a good dancer, ‘good’ is relative and the scale by which you judge that idea is based on local factors. And the reason this stuff matters is because we want to believe that we’re doing well, and if X doesn’t say “yes” to us, either they’re crazy or…ummm….well…we don’t even want to consider only other possibility that we … ummm we aren’t…ummm…that good.

Sage Advice: If you’re wanting to dance with X, private lessons! Seriously. Take lots of private lessons to clean up your dance. Study. Practice. So that when the time comes and X happens to be available, that you’re ready for X and said ‘rejection’ may not occur. Or let’s just say that it would be less likely to occur.

Funny thing about X, there’s always another one. YMMV.

MORE REMINDERS

Giving Feedback

This is probably one the most important things in Argentine Tango that you can do for yourself and the people that you dance with. Giving constructive, clear, concise, clean, direct, and most of all, honest feedback. It is what is required. While feedback is subjective, it is not personal, it’s what is going on for you in the construct of the dance, the walk, the embrace, and how someone moves in relation to you.

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The Unseen

There is an unspoken, unwritten rule with regards to Argentine Tango. Actually there are a few of them. However, one of them is that once you are acknowledged you are now persona grata. However, if you are NOT acknowledged….then you are Persona Non-Grata. You don’t exist. They don’t see you. And the more that you stand in front of them, the less that they’ll see you. You are the ‘Unseen’.

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Men (Age)

Welcome to the Department of the Obvious Department. Today’s menu of the Obvious includes: Men not asking for directions when lost, Men over talking Women, Men squeezing the living daylights out of their partners, and last but not least the Age of a Man has nothing to do with his ability to get dances!

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Private Lessons (Part 1)

Private Lessons, or ‘Privates’ as they’re called sometimes, can really help you, can change you. Sometimes. And sometimes not. There are several reasons why private lessons won’t help or change you. 1.) Is the teacher you’ve chosen isn’t really a didactic teacher. What’s that ? It’s a teacher that is focused on dancing with you for an hour and pointing out all your flaws with very little actual correction instead of focusing on your foundation and fundamentals, like walking, stability, balance (which are not the same things by the way), your embrace, your body position and body placement, your understanding of the beat and engaging the musical pauses, just to name a few. A didactic teacher can really change you, and up your game. 2.) You. And the thinking that private lessons can the magical fix all. They’re not. You actually have to, god forbid, work! And then here’s the hard part: Practice!

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The Blame Game

The dance starts out on an even footing. It’s quite clear two steps later that one of you is clearly better than the other. Usually the Lead believes that they’re all that, and the Follower is just trying to survive the compressive embrace, let alone actually dance. In reality…well let’s just say that no one is perfect and leave it at that, shall we ?

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The Practica

The idea of a Practica is ‘theoretically’ to Practice what you have learned. To try out what you have been shown, with multiple partners, as if you were in a class rotation. It is ‘theoretical’ because while the theory is nice, the reality is a little different.

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Lethargy (Moving Too Slow)

Lethargy is moving too slow for the intended lead’s request (‘lead’ is the action, and not the person). What this really boils down to is the reaction time of the dancer that is a.) a lag from the time at which a request was sent to the time it was received. and b.) way in which it is done (the real speed issue). Note what’s missing from this definition, the roles of the dance! There is no blame in this definition. None what so ever. However, that is seemingly about to change. It’s not, but your perception of it will until you get to the end.

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The ‘Right’ Shoes

Some day soon, you’re going to want the perfect pair of shoes. These shoes in your mind, completes the Tango image you have for yourself dancing socially. They make you look elegant. They make you feel like you can do anything. Mind you that image is an illusion in your head, but let’s not quibble about reality. These shoes are either handmade in Italy, Istanbul, Buenos Aires, or somewhere and/or something in between. They’re the shoes you always dreamed of. They’ve got all the features that you believe will allow you to become, finally, the dancer that you’ve always wanted.

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Fear of Milonga

The fact is that some folks have a justifiable fear of Milonga! No not the dance party, nor the music at the milonga, no…this fear refers to the abject fear that is expressed by some people when Milonga music is played because now they must dance ‘Milonga’ moves to milonga music. The reason ? Either it’s the speed at which it is seemingly danced, or the music that is perceived to be ‘fast’, movements/steps/patterns/figures that are associated and specific to Milonga. Some people just freak right out when it comes to milonga. Some people actually break out in a cold sweat at the very thought of it, Lead or Follow.

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