Tag: cabeceo

(note: this is my opinion of how things should work, take it with a grain of salt.)

ASKING A WOMAN TO DANCE

She walks into the room, kisses, and hugs her friends on her way to putting down her shoe bag, and then finding her seat to put on her shoes. It seems like she’s kissing and hugging everyone in the room for cryin’ out loud. Finally, she finds half a chair at the crowded milonga, and slips off her street shoes into what appears to be brand new Madame Pivots, all sparkly and shiny new. Just as she finishes her right shoe hook, she looks up and is immediately whisked away out of her chair by a favorite Lead. One tanda, two tandas, three tandas, she comes off the floor to get some water, and no sooner does her foot hit the carpet, when another Lead takes her by the hand, and off they go. One tanda, two tandas, and off the floor to head for water, and a chair! She’s looking a little disheveled after that last Lead. He was a bit rough on her, but she smiled through it, he had some nice qualities. She sits for the first time in 45 minutes, drinking her water, and finally catching up with a friend. Legs crossed and eyeing the room, and avoiding it at the same time.

Gentlemen, how do you ask this Follower for a dance ?

Well to be honest with you there are many ways of asking a woman to dance as there are stars in the sky, and they all basically involve the same thing: Being a Gentleman, and not an asswipe! However before we can ask this follower to dance, we need to at least acknowledge a few things: You and your technique, and/or the lack therein. 

Before you go out social dancing: You want to address your issues. More than likely you have issues, we all do, we are all not perfect dancers. However, the issues that are being referenced here are the ones that you can’t see. They’re structural in nature, and quite honestly you don’t necessary have the training to suss them out. Not kidding. No joke. It is for this reason that we suggest the following: Get thee into some private lessons, and focus on your posture first and foremost, your walk with regards to that posture, and last but not least > your posture, with your walk, with the embrace. Dude look, its not about the steps and the patterns. I know you think you can ‘dance’, I know you believe that you’ve taken a few classes with (fill in the blank), and they’ve taught you some really cool and fancy moves that god him/herself would deem as ‘Yup! That’s pretty cool!”. The fact is, that your posture is more than likely the source of 40% of your issues with followers, and the other 50% is your embrace!!! which is being generated by a poorly executed and unstable walk which you are thereby blaming on the Follower for following your lead which is incomplete at best! Put simply, your embrace is probably like a vice grip and you just don’t realize it. Perhaps you use your left arm as a metronome (bouncing up and down in time to the music). Or on top of that, you’ve been told that you must have ‘resistance’ from her, she has to push into your hand, otherwise you can’t feel her or what she’s doing. There are some teachers that teach ‘Resistance’ Based Dancing, and there some are some that don’t. Most men, when they have the tables turned on them and the ‘resistance’ based dancing mirrored back to them…they never want to do that again, ever! It’s frakkin’ work!!! What we’re wanting is ‘Intention’ Based Dancing.

There are many things to work on before you ask this Follower to dance, but these things are very important to creating a lovely experience for the Follower, not you, the Follower. Believe it or not, contrary to what you might believe or have been told, the dance is all about the Follower. Without them there is no dancing! Got it ? So it stands to reason that we want to create a quality experience without ego, without arrogance, and without being an ass, but rather a humble but clear lead. Doing all of these things, private lessons (not group classes), focusing on your embrace, your walk, and of course the music (more on that later), and then focusing on the Follower’s enjoyment will create the desired results that you’re looking for on multiple social levels and dancing levels. This isn’t about fancy moves, or steps/patterns/figures. It’s about generating an experince that makes the Follower say one singular word at the end of the tanda: “Another ?“.

So with all that said and done, can you ask this Follower for a dance yet ? Ummmm not quite….

Before you can go down the road there’s a list of 9 don’ts and 5 do’s that you want to do, sort of like a check-list, before you can ask this Follower to dance: 

The Nine Don’ts!

1.) Do not walk up to her and extend your hand and expect to get a dance! Not…not!
2.) Do not stalk her around the room. This video shows the follower version of the idea.
3.) Do not cross a dance floor to get to her.
4.) Do not walk up to her, stop 5 feet from her, and then Cabeceo her!
5.) Do not verbally ask her for a dance (there are exceptions to this).
6.) Do not stand outside the ladies room and get her as she’s coming out. (can you say “awwkward!” ?)
7.) Do not sit 2 chairs away from her ‘eyeing’ her and expect her to dance with you. (“creeepy!” ewww!)
8.) Do not come up behind her and tap her on the shoulder.
9.) Do not sit down next to her and then talk her to death waiting until she does accept.

The Five Do’s!

1.) Make certain that you are reasonably dry, and not dripping sweat. Nobody really likes to bathe in sweat, so for this reason always, always have a change of shirt if you’re the profusely sweaty kind of man. Think of it this way, do you want to go home smelling of perfume ? Probably not. Well then she has absolutely ZERO desire to go home smelling like a gym locker! So keep the sweat to an absolute minimum.

2.) Have a pleasant ‘odor’ to you. This doesn’t mean aftershave but some deodorant is a good choice. Preferably one that doesn’t REEK!

3.) Make certain you are well manicured. This means that your nails are clipped, hands washed, or cleaned with soap BEFORE you dance with her!

4.) Have pleasant breath. Two words for you: Breath Mints! Need I say more ?

5.) Get a towel or something to use as a handkerchief! Place it in your suit jacket pocket, you are wearing one…right ? And at the end of each song, wipe the sweat from your hands, and from your neck, nose, and forehead. Keep your sweat to yourself…let’s not share it, shall we ?

Ok, so now that we’ve read you the riot act about what to do, and how not to engage her…can you ask her for a dance yet ? 

One more thing…and it’s kinda imporant: It is strongly suggested you actually know the music that you are asking her to dance to before you ask her to dance. Meaning that just because there is music playing, and you want to dance with her, it is actually rather helpful for you to have some understanding of what you’re listening to, and then dancing to. A fair amount of the time, most lead/ers (and men in particular) quite literally wander around the floor, no where close to the walking beat of the music, not engaging the natural musical pauses that exist in the music, nor picking an instrument to dance to, or even dancing to the singer along, not even an accent note. They wander from vocabulary choice to vocabulary choice without an eye towards what it looks like, what it feels like, and most importantly how it relates the music that they’re ‘dancing’ to. So it is for this reason that you a.) learn what you’re listening for. b.) learn what you’re listening to. c.) then practice that (pauses & then phrases) religiously with an eye towards creating structure from your Musical Interpretation. Structure ? What’s that ? Each piece of music has a very particular lattice work of how it is played and then laid out to you the listener. There are 4, sometimes 5, movements in 2 to 3 minute song, depending on whether or not there’s a singer involved. Those movements, if you will, are the structure or latticework of the song itself. You want to structure your dance around that latticework so that it enhances what you’re listening to and thereby shows anyone that’s watching you dance with your partner that it matches what’s going on, musically! Unfortunately that’s not what happens a good 90% of the time, and we end up with wandering all over the floor! 

Now to the QUESTION: HOW ????

The right and proper way to ask her for a dance is to stand or sit approx. 30 to 40 ft from her, and make concerted, direct eye contact with her. It’s her choice at that point to accept or deny your invitation. Give her lots of space my friend. This is elegance in practice. There is a code of operation here and you want use it. Now mind you, sometimes its a little dark in these rooms, and the milonga organizer just doesn’t set up the room in such a way that you can actually send a cabeceo and actually have it seen. In BsAs its a little challenging in some rooms…but it does work.

Cabeceo

Plays from YouTube. Pressing play connects you to YouTube. Privacy

Understand something else, that if she says “NO”, that does not mean that you get up from your chair, and walk over to her and perform one of the 9 don’ts. No, no, no! Bad form. You simply move onto the next follower that you would like to dance with. “NO” means “NO”. It unfortunately means NOT EVER, IN THIS LIFETIME. DON’T EVEN THINK IT! Now to be fair, that’s not entirely true, “NO” sometimes means NOT RIGHT NOW. How do you know the difference ? You don’t! Again, her call my friend, not yours. You’ve made your interest known at this point….move on. She’ll either pick up the ball later, or not. However, don’t sit there and be all mister pouty face, that’s not going to get you anywhere! This also means don’t ask again that night, again, at all. That also means that you don’t eyeball her all night long either! Once and let it go. Got it ? Trust me, she got the message.

There are a few Exceptions to the Rules:

1.) There are women out there, that a.) can’t see 10 feet in front of them, (furthermore neither can you my friend!) and/or b.) Do NOT understand what cabeceo is and how it works. I’ve heard stories of women that go to BsAs and don’t get that men are literally throwing spears at them in terms of cabeceo, and these women are completely oblivious to the practice. And yet when you ask them later, they’re like “Huh ???? What ? Cappa-what ?”. I’ve seen it happen, been party to it, not surprised by it, its just a lack of understanding of the codigos. Now in some cases these women are saving you face by being socially deliberate as to feign ignorance. How do you know the difference ? You don’t. You have to take people at their word until proven otherwise. Which is to say, if she declines your invitation, and then accepts someone else’s and then later on claims to be ignorant of the codigos…draw your own conclusions from there. To be fair there are some men who will not take ‘no’ as an answer, and will walk across the floor and extend their hands to her and get ‘the’ dance. Think nothing of it. Let’s just say that if you watch her face while she’s dancing with him, that should tell you everything you need to know about what she’s enduring at that juncture!

2.) If you know her fairly well, are on better than speaking terms with her, and have hung out with her, then you can verbally ask for a dance.

3.) If you’ve just been introduced to her, you can verbally ask her for a dance right then and there, but it is a little awkward.

4.) If you’ve been seated at her table, you can ask her for a dance, and truth be told I believe you’re expected to dance at least one tanda with her, it would be rude not to do so. There are even exceptions to this ‘suggestion’.

5.) If you have a friend that knows her fairly well, you can ask for an introduction but that’s about it, and then employ rule #3.

Having said all of that….breathe, smile, cabeceo.

See what happens!

(note: this is my opinion of how things should work, take it with a grain of salt.)

For those of you who are just arriving at the party…or even if you’ve been dancing a while…or if you’ve come to the party from another dance, the question of “How do you ask a Man to dance in Tango ?”. Or as you learn why can’t you ? (we’ll deal with that one later in the article). In Ballroom, Swing, or Salsa, you just ask, and no one would ever think of saying “NO” to your polite request. Tango, on the other hand, is another ball of wax entirely! So how do you ask ? Well, that’s what this guide is all about: A safe, and a ‘Tango’ correct, way of going about the process that offends no one, and furthermore actually helps you to dance more frequently!

A few things need to said, before we get to the ‘how’ part…these are a few  requirements before you ‘ask’.

1.) There is nothing wrong with asking a man to dance in the United States and/or Europe. Everywhere else, it’s a little different. However, ladies you must understand that doing so anywhere may not get you the desired results that you’re looking for. The reason is because so many of the Leads adhere to one of several older codigos (codes of the dance). So for that reason, try not ask a man to dance ‘verbally’ (there is an exception to this suggestion). Otherwise you may end up sitting all night long. You will be, seemingly, punished for doing so. Why ? There are some men that see the idea of a woman asking a man to dance as absolute heresy. And there are a greater number of women that feel the same way by the by. There is an order to things and doing so is a violation of that ‘order’ in their minds. At the same time, there are some men that actually appreciate a women when she asks, however those men are few and far between. So if in doubt, just don’t go there unless we invoke the exception below.

2.) A woman’s role in the dance has traditionally been to be the ‘follower’, and while I detest the use of this word because it usually isn’t about following per se but rather about being ‘submissive’.  In today’s Tango world the idea of a submissive Follower is changing slowly, but it is changing. In any other dance, especially in the United States & most certainly BsAs, a woman is trained to be an active participant–this is not so in Tango. It wasn’t until very recently, and we’re talking up until about 20 – 30 years ago and even that’s a stretch, that the dance has started to relax some of its ideas, but this one, unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your point of view) is not going away any time soon. In short, you have been trained to be ‘submissive’ and may not even realize it.

3.) Understand that while you are asking someone to dance, or wanting to dance with someone, they are not obligated to accept your invitation.

Facts You Need To Understand: 

1.) The better the Lead, the less inclined he is to dance with you, if they don’t know you or haven’t seen you dance. And while you may believe that you’re up to the challenge, more than likely you are not and you need to accept this fact until you change certain things about your embrace, about your walk, about how you respond to certain types of kinesthetic movements (leads – the action, not the person).

2.) It’s not fun. In the case that you’re operating under the (de)illusion that Tango, as a dancing form, is just ‘fun’. Yes it is, but only if certain things are present. The less you know, the more ignornant you are of the form, the more fun it seemingly is. However, as you discover just how much you don’t know, this is where ego comes into the equation, the more you realize that tango requires some work.

3.) Skilled Dancing. Tango requires that the dancing pair be very skilled in a variety of areas, not the least of which is body kinesthetics, the vocabulary of the dance, the vocabulary of a particular style or ‘flavor’ of the dance, and of course the music!  In specific, a deftness of touch that far exceeds what you believe possible, a level of kinesthetic movement that is far more subtle than you will ever experience in any other dance, and a level of technique and attention to detail that is absolutely insane on the surface.

4.) Painful. You may not realize this right now, depending on where you are in your tango journey, but you may in fact just be ‘painful‘ to dance with. Painful in the sense that you are generating tension, pressure, force, compression, resistance, with your embrace. Coupled with that usually comes instability and using your lead for a whole host of things, most notably stabilizing you everywhere in turns, crosses, and ochos! Even micro-stabilizations.

5.) The other facts. It doesn’t matter how pretty you are, and/or what you are wearing, and those nice ‘Tango’ shoes that you just bought are virtually worthless!

This stuff is not here to not to put you in your place, or to make you feel bad about yourself, or to elevate the Lead/ers (see the ‘notation’ at the end) in the room to ‘god’ like status, their egos are big enough as it is. No. These points refer to the ‘better’ Leads (the person, not the action) in the room, not the run of the mill ‘push’ and ‘pull’ Lead/ers that populate every milonga within a 1000 mile radius. These points are reminders about the clean, clear, haptically (level 1 – 3) sensitive Lead that does employ feather-light touch, that does not use compression or restriction to achieve their goals, that does not use pressure, resistance, or force as a means to communicate any message to their follower in any way, shape, or form.  Most Followers, unless they’ve led, will not understand what it takes to lead at this level, conversely, most Lead/ers do not understand what it means to lead this way either. It’s called Intention Based Dancing and it is a level above what you’re used to dancing with and once you have a small taste of it, you’ll want more of it. At the same time, a Follower at this level must also not wobble, generate instability in their walk or use their lead for stability in any way, shape, or form. Why is this relevant because this type of Lead demands that you are deft and sensitive to dance with, that’s why.

The Exception. There is an exception to asking a man to dance, and it should be at the top of the list below but is left out because the list below assumes that you don’t know someone personally. That you haven’t already danced with that person several times previously! So what’s the exception ? Just that, if you know someone personally, or that you’ve been introduced to them by a trusted party there’s no reason in the world not to suggest that you dance together. Note the language there, ‘suggest’. Not ask, but suggest. How should you suggest ? “Hey I’ve got my new _________ (shoe brand) on, want to help me try them out ?”, “Gosh that was a less than desirable tanda with _______, I need a gentle Lead like you _______ (name of Lead you’re speaking to), would you care to do the honors please ?”, or “MMMmmmm Milonga! Gosh I would love to dance to this”…etc. Note that there is no direct askance here in these ? Note that he has the choice here to decline. The notation here is that if you know someone than a simple verbal request of an indirect nature will achieve the desired results. Yelling “HEY BOB, LET’S DANCE!”so that the whole world can hear it, not so much with that. Discretion and decorum are important here!

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DANCE and GET IT!

1.) Mirada. This is a socially acceptable way for a woman to ask a man to dance and no one need know that you’re doing it! If you don’t know what it is, in short, a Mirada is making direct and clear line of sight eye contact with an intended dancing partner while they are not dancing with someone, and once contact is established, you indicate with a nod of your head or your eyebrows that you would like to dance with that person (note: walking up to someone and nodding your head, indicating you’d like a dance, is considered poor taste, this is better known as the “Stalker Cabeceo”).

2.) Conversate. Walk around at a milonga. Put your shoes on and walk around and engage people in conversation, not just the men…but the women too. Remember this is a ‘Social’ dance and while you are there to dance, you’re also there to be social. That means to engage in conversation, chat, drink with, and be friendly with people. However if you spot a Lead that you’d like a dance with, do not ask directly, but rather engage him in conversation.

Here’s the Trick: Near the end of the conversation, employ the following line any way you’d like to word it: “At some point, and if you’re interested, I would like to dance the last song of a tanda with you if you are free”.

Why this method ????

• 1.) What you’re doing is indicating that you’re open to a dance with him later!
• 2.) You’re also putting the onerous task of deciding when that dance happens clearly in his lap. Notice you used the word “Later”, not “Tonight”. Later could mean a few weeks from now. The important part is that he’s clearly deciding IF and WHEN that dance happens, not YOU.
• And 3.) Lastly note that its the last song of a tanda…not a full tanda! Why the last song ? Because if he doesn’t like dancing with you, he’s not obligated to go any further. But more than likely he will! Also note the last word, “free”. What you are doing is making it very clear that you are a last resort, when he thinks of it.

Now here’s the hard part. Finish the conversation and then walk away! Do not look back, do not go bother him again, do not engage in further discussion of the topic. Move on to other people. Talk it up, girl!

3.) Circulate. That means to place yourself where every Lead can see you, typically on the corners of the room and change placements once every 30 minutes. Do not hide, do not sit slumped or hunched over–sit upright in the damned chair, legs crossed (show’m if you’ve got’m), head up, and smiling! No one wants to dance with a frown. When you do get up and move, be obvious about it. That means that as you are changing your placement and going to a new spot, smile, make eye contact with everyone as you do…don’t just look at the ground. This is work girl and it takes active work to do it well.

I feel I must; you must do all of these things to have the desired affect you want…which is to dance consecutively all night long, preferably with the guys you want to dance with and not with the men that you don’t want to do dance with. However, doing this once and then stopping is not going to have the desired effect. It is cumulative! It also goes without saying that it helps to dress the part, meaning put on that slinky dress you’ve been dying to wear–you know the one that is skin tight in all the right areas…men do like curves…sadly, it’s a sad truism. But it does work to a limited degree, but not with the better dancers in the room, they really don’t care what you’re wearing, they only care about one thing: dancing well!

Going to group classes once a week is all fine and good, however, that’s not going to improve your abilities. What will improve them ? Private lessons on your walk and your embrace! Lots and lots and lots of practice, practice, practice, practice, practice…and more practice! I am not kidding. Every day. You must improve beyond just getting around the floor and not looking like an idiot! If you’re there to socially chat up your friends that’s one thing, and you should not expect to get the dances you’re wanting and this guide is nearly useless to you. However, if you are actively improving your dance, by practicing, taking lessons religiously, and traveling to other cities to dance with other people on a regular basis, this is one of the only ways that your skills will leapfrog over everyone else in the room! If you don’t practice, then you shouldn’t complain that you’re not getting the dances you want. If you don’t put in the time to improve, then you shouldn’t complain that so-and-so isn’t dancing with you. There’s a reason so-and-so isn’t dancing with you, its mostly and probably because you feel like a ton of bricks to dance with, you’re hanging, and/or are highly unstable.

Lastly, there is a cumulative effect here, you must do all 3 of these things with 10 or 15 guys in a night, and you’ll almost never sit at a milonga again! It takes time and concerted effort to do what I am suggesting, however, I’ve done this myself when I was out following socially only, and I know many men and women use it, even on me, and it works. It takes time and dedication to get this to work, but it does work.

Good luck!

Notation: See the definition of the usage of the word “Lead” and all it’s variations before reading any futher.

The distinction of the descriptive nomenclature of leading language is rather necessary when trying to discuss this stuff in a verbal or textual way without the visual in front of you. Further still that without the distinction the terms themselves can be rather confusing if just using ‘leader’. Further I, as a teacher, make the distinction between an Intention Based Dancer (in the role of…) and a Resistance Based Dancer (in the role of) and one way that I can make that distinction is through the nomenclature. You may disagree with it but it does create, in my mind, a level of granular clarity to further the distinction of resistance dancing vs. intention dancing.